Time for tantra
Tantra is a concept that in recent years has been more exposed. But what is it? How do you go about it? Do you meditate instead of having sex? Does it require difficult positions? Can you have orgasms? Do you have to know everything about the human energy system? Does it raise you above sexuality and make you spiritual but asexual?
Love and sex are some of the major sources of joy in human life – but also the source of sorrow and suffering. And it doesn’t look like it is getting easier in the present time. Time has come to find new ways and give relationships, love and sex better conditions and new premises. And here tantra appears with valuable knowledge about sex and spirituality. It is often dressed in old, dusty, eastern clothes based on other times and distant cultures and therefore it can appear strange for modern people in this part of the world.
This book can inspire you to renew your sexuality and your love life. It offers easily accessible suggestions for a modern western kind of tantra practical for many people. It is based on my own experiences and on the experiences of the students who have followed my teachings. The book therefore is not based on theory, intentions and ideals, but on real people’s life experiences.
Tantra sex is more satisfying
Many people are confused because they are not able to establish long lasting and nourishing relationships. One of the reasons can be that you look for a partner based on very superficial criteria and unawareness of what you need. It is nice to get what you want, but it is much better to get what you need. Tantra can help you find out what you need – and how to get it.
When you get what you really need, you will be more satisfied and self contained. The hunt and the discomfort begin when you are unable to establish a relationship that provides joy and progress. Then you are unable to receive what the partner has to offer or you hold back and keep the door of your heart half closed.
In tantra two people give their body, heart and soul to learn whatever they can about themselves and each other. Tantra is generous, it offers everything and it takes in everything that moves in and between the two people – the loveliest lovely and the ugliest ugly. Because there is more at stake the meeting will be deeper, higher and more far reaching. In such a relationship you will feel that your partner can contain, see and appreciate you as the person you are. This inspires you to invest in the relationship and explore the sexuality and the love with your partner and renew your life together.
That is the reason tantra is more satisfying. When you have received what is good for you, the need to seek quick, empty calories through superficial sex, unfaithfulness and small illegitimate fascinations and daydreams diminishes. Natural peace and harmony appear in the relationship. When you get what you need, you don’t run anywhere. And neither does your partner.
Sex is good – tantra is better
Sex is important for every partnership – but it is not necessarily easy. This can be caused by a superficial or isolated view of sex. Sexuality is not a specific activity you bring forward in appropriate (and sometimes inappropriate) situations. It is an essential part of human nature and being. Sex must be seen in relation to the human totality with all it contains and only then can it be fully realized.
Most people have experienced that sex is better in a relationship where love is also present. But sex will also win if it is seen in relation to polarity, which is the dynamic cooperation between two people of different sexes (not to be confused with sex roles and stereotypical notions of masculine and feminine). Sexual laziness and lack of desire can be caused by a lukewarm heart, weak polarity or two fighting egos that have entrenched themselves in different corners of the double bed. To look at sexual difficulties in isolation gives no meaning. They need to be seen within a bigger context and tantra can supply this.
It is essential for some people to associate sex with spirituality and with being in a continuous process of growth. In this case sex is neither a pleasant entertainment nor a confirmation of the relationship; sex becomes a path to self realization and to a deeper meeting with the partner – thus even more beautiful and life assuring.
Through tantra you can learn to unfold your full erotic potential and overcome inappropriate notions about yourself and the other sex. Everybody has bad experiences in their baggage and these have to be removed in order to learn to meet the world with more openness and trust. These qualities can be trained in tantra, where the ability to give oneself, to receive and let go are practiced in a natural way.
If you are one of the lucky people who are fully satisfied with the realization of your erotic potential and relationship, then you know that openness and trust, plus the will to cooperate and the courage to change is part of the reason. These qualities are consciously practiced in the tantric process.
By bringing sexuality into a tantric process and working consciously with it, you can experience new qualities in yourself and your partner and thus enrich your life on many levels.
What is tantra?
If tantra shall have a broader appeal, it must be adjusted to the reality of today and be able to include the joys and sorrows of modern people in the western world. There are many definitions and versions of tantra and most of them are based on techniques that are either ancient or eastern. Everything changes and the time is ripe for a modern edition – easily practiced, but with the same potential for depths and heights. It must take into consideration the general attitudes toward sex (often influenced by obsessive behavior and promiscuity), love (many people struggle with unwillingness to open their heart and unstable relationships) and spirituality (for many this is associated with rootlessness or orientation towards other religions and philosophical movements).
I will give five definitions, which can help you get into the core of tantra.
Tantra is sex with energy awareness (which means awareness of how energy works). Therefore it is obvious for people who already work with personal growth, meditation and spirituality to include sexuality in their process. Why should sex have special status when you already look at other aspects of your life with awareness? Sexuality will not lose its magic if you learn more about it than just the story of the birds and the bees. Tantra is not only for people with experience in self-realization, but for those who have never worked with themselves it can be a path into change and a deeper understanding of the self.
Tantra is also a process based on sex, love and spirituality. The traditional split between sex and spirituality, between body and spirit, does not do us any good. Some people experience a contrast between sex and love – there is the person you love and respect and the person you lust after. This field of splitting contains a lot of suffering and misunderstanding and tantra can help love and sex to cooperate and heal these wounds. Sex plays a big part in tantra and since both the heart and consciousness are involved, sex can be elevated to a higher degree of responsibility. That could sound boring, but experience has shown that that is not the case. On the contrary it is both invigorating and renewing.
A third definition is that tantra is the natural sexuality that flows as a broad and calm river through a beautiful landscape. It is just there and whenever you feel like it, you can go and take a swim. And you can invite others to join you to play and have fun. Natural sexuality does not need specific rituals or stimulants to be awakened. It is simply a natural part of the human expression and being.
In the understanding of tantra, which this book expresses, I operate with a vertical and a horizontal energy axis, where tantra primarily operates within the axis between the top and the bottom of the energy system. “Ordinary” sexuality is more often concerned with the horizontal axis. When sexuality unfolds not only in widths but also in heights and depths people expand their repertoire. This is enriching – and provocative because new aspects will appear and demand attention. Your sexual self image will change and so will your ability to meet your partner. This is expanded in chapter 7 Unfolding the full sexual potential and chapter 8 The path to the depths.
On a more advanced level tantra can furthermore be a necessary aspect of meditation and work with consciousness. On the path to the highest states of consciousness everything a human contains has to be illuminated and perhaps transformed or sacrificed. The ego has to be minimized and ties to the sexual self image have to be cut. This aspect of tantra falls outside the framework of this book.
Within tantra there are several different schools. Here – as with all other learning – it is important to find a path that suits you.
Different types of tantra relationships
This book is based on experiences made with five different types of tantra relationships.
There are short relationships, where two people have learned something which has brought them forward in their process. The length of the relationship can be caused by the fact that there is no potential for a longer process, but the ending of the relationship can also be caused by lack of patience when things become difficult. Perhaps you have to go through several short and less satisfying relationships before you learn to choose correctly and work consciously with sex and love, which is usually handled more from an ego point of view. Relationships of short duration should be respected. If two people have done something good for each other, then it is not the duration of the relationship that matters.
Another type of relationship concerns young people who have a wish to have children and start a family together with the inclination towards tantra. Is it possible for a tantric relationship to survive the transformation to parenthood, mother and children? It looks like an experiment that is bound to failure partly because of the traditional separation between spirituality and everyday life and partly because tantra may appear to be an exclusive and time consuming affair. But experiences show that it is indeed possible and it appears that it even strengthens the parents of small children during those first years, which can often be rather vulnerable. It is possible to bring a good tantric practice with you into the new demands of family life.
Also modern people with children and divorces in their lives can find each other in new relationships. Here the emphasis is on clearing up failures, disappointments and negative notions both about the other sex and about your own capacity. There are couples who have worked their way out of outdated notions and bad experiences with sex and love into new experiences of equality. At the same time of course they have found the joy, nourishment and warmth in their daily life, that most people feel a need for.
The fourth category is the already established couple, who gathers the courage, overcome their resistance and renew their relationship with awareness through a tantric process. This will transform the marriage in all aspects regarding both good and bad habits into a tantra relationship with a new foundation and perspective.
Homosexuals have also had experiences with tantric relationships and here some of the challenges are to find ways to explore polarity.
Tantra is capable of creating long lasting and very vital relationships. Tantra also offers a framework for shorter relationships, which can provide necessary learning processes and delightful meetings between people.
How to use this book
The book describes a long list of relevant subjects for examining the tantric process. However it is not possible to provide a guide to tantra as if it were like losing weight before the bikini season or training for a marathon. Tantra is a far more individualized project with many facets and you may need to study the different chapters in another order than suggested.
First we open ourselves to the concept of tantra. The good tantric habits and the tantric exercises are introduced and I offer elementary instructions on how to work with energy (healing, exercises etc.) There is some good advice for singles regarding attraction of a tantrapartner and how to get started – and all of those who are lucky enough to already have a partner who is interested in tantra can also enjoy reading the chapter. Then those of you who are in an established relationship get some advice on how to renew your relationship in the spirit of tantric cooperation. This process of change involves both challenges and joys and it is shown that the possibilities for coming together are more extensive and varied than most people realize. It will expand your repertoire and provide many ideas of how to restart if you get stuck.
Since tantra is about meeting each other in a new, more intense and conscious manner, I introduce a path to a much deeper and higher understanding of sex than people normally have been exposed to. Here we go behind the sex roles and superficial notions about equality and we open up for unfolding of the full sexual potential. And then we rush on to a lustful and forceful chapter on tantric sex.
In order for men and women to meet in a more equal and dynamic way, you must increase your awareness regarding gender and polarity. Since men and women these days in many aspects have the same rights and obligations, both in society and at home, it is necessary to develop polarity so that sexual sparks can fly. Instead of sighing over disagreements and misunderstandings I invite you to a joyful dance between opposites, where both the woman and the man expose the most attractive side of themselves. In this context we discuss the meaning of equilibrium between the sexes. For those of you who prefer sex with a partner of your own gender, there is a chapter about tantra between two members of the same sex.
Tantra may become widespread and set a new agenda for the way people live together. Therefore there are examples of tantra agreements, tantric weddings and the preceding stag parties. Tantrics also have children and we look at how they manage the change from being a tantric couple to being the parents of small children. Everything has a beginning and an end and the book finishes with a description of the phases of a tantric relationship from attraction to ending.
There are quite a few accounts of tantric experiences from actual people in the book. Even though the exercises are constructive they do not picture a sweet, airy life with polarity and process. It shows on the contrary that a serious tantric effort results in much more than a reformed sex life and in the long run it can reform your attitude towards life itself. In such a process deep transformations can take place. The self image, the partnership and the way you meet the world can transform itself to a state of exuberance and surplus. And that is incidentally not a kind of surplus, which only benefits couples – tantra is a life attitude and the surplus will enrich the entire community.
The book contains quite a few exercises, which the curious reader can engage in. It is recommended that you before you start, read the section on how to use the exercises in the book. You will find this in chapter 3 Guidance concerning energy work. This chapter also contains a short introduction to healing, massage etc. for the benefit of those who do not already have experience with these aspects of personal growth.
The vocabulary of the book contains some words and concepts – chakras and aura – from the universe of transpersonal psychology and consciousness development. The practice of tantra does not of course depend on the use of these concepts – it depends on your ability to connect with your partner. I see them as useful technical expressions just as in a cook book we use expressions like braise, poach and julienne vegetables. These are more precise than just heat and cut. I use the chakras because they are extremely capable of connecting body and consciousness. They help make the meditation and the insights concrete and physical. The aura concept is a nuanced and detailed description of what we usually call the radiation or energy around a person. Concepts such as aura and chakra and other odd and difficult words are explained in Explanation of vocabulary in the back of the book. If these concepts confuse you and you think them superfluous, drop them – the book can easily be read with success without this knowledge.
Singles, new relationships and established couples
If you are single you might be looking for a tantra partner and here the book can help you clarify your wishes and needs and start to look from a newer and more realistic understanding of yourself. It is possible though that you only wish to learn something about one of life’s essential themes without necessarily getting involved with another person in this way.
New lovers can use their passion’s energy surge to establish good, tantric habits, which can be useful when the first infatuation is wearing off and the ordinary daily routines set in. Tantra can be the factor which makes the relationship able to last through the whirlwind period of falling in love.
Couples who get together specifically around tantra do not necessarily take off in an initial infatuation but instead on the basis of an energy connection and a willingness to help each other learn the necessary things about sex, love, polarity and spirituality.
Married couples and lovers with many years together can renew their relationship by letting the tantric light shine on the relationship. If you nourish the love for each other and wish to meet with more tenderness, then tantra can give you a new approach to the relationship. If however the relationship has become too monotonous with too many dull routines, you can kick new life into the relationship by challenging the indolence through a tantric process.
Regardless of how the relationship has started and regardless of its age I refer to it as “a tantric couple” if they work in a tantric manner.
Young or old, hetero – or homosexual, families with or without children – everybody can work with tantra to some degree and both big and small steps should be acknowledged.
